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Editorial – A Natural Spaceball

I’m just sayin.

Legally it has no value as any defense lawyer whose taken part in a slander case will tell you and yet people to use it as a shield for their jackassery all the time. Guys say something stupid and when a wingman objects they throw out this line and hide behind it like it’s all good. They think by declaring “I’m just sayin,” they are absolved of all responsibility and exempt from the repercussions of their statement. This is how it plays out:

“Dude, you’re mom’s hot.”


“I’m just sayin!”

It’s stupid, but we’re Americans. Over the years we’ve purposely created a unique vernacular in order to distance ourselves from everything British-Crickett, Rugby, bad dentistry-and the Queen’s English. We invented faggadouche, stoked, and fo shizzle my rizzle. ‘I’m just sayin’ is just the latest in a line of American colloquialisms. It’s our right as barrel chested freedom lovers to throw it around, so I will abuse it here weekly about something in MMA that needs to change or just pisses me off. It will be complete opinion-mine-as a writer on MMA for over two whole years now and author of the greatest book on the sport out there. So let’s jump right into it.

Do you remember in Spaceballs when Yogurt opens up his pro shop and shows off all the Spaceballs paraphernalia? He had Spaceballs the game, Spaceballs the toilet paper, and Spaceballs the flamethrower (the kids love that one). If you haven’t seen it, get thee to a Blockbuster now!

Randy Couture is the Spaceballs of MMA. There’s Couture the actor. Couture the razor. Couture the instructional book. Couture the clothing line. If he could pull it off there would be Couture the skyscraper, but only until Trump got wind of it and the two would face off like the Jets and the Sharks (a West Side Story reference for those who don’t know). I’m sure Geritol and Centrum Silver would line up to sponsor that fight.

Now it’s Couture the bio and Scorpion King 2 (straight to DVD), a two-pronged marketing attack that has me splashing tequila in my eyes so I don’t have to look at it and wondering when the onslaught of Sir Randall will subside. It’s not that I don’t like the guy, but I want to nickname him “R Co” because he reminds me of J Lo’s all out marketing blitz a few years back that resulted in a backlash of haters and a Ben Affleck tryst.

I salute Randy’s energy. At forty-four I expect to be a part of my couch like those guys in Pirates of the Caribbean who morphed into the Black Pearl (don’t pretend like you didn’t see it). I’ll have precious little interest in doing much more than teaching my kids the difference between a rubber guard and a butterfly guard-both of which are conveniently executed from my back so I can simultaneously hold a remote control. So he’s already surpassed my expectations for the over-forty crowd, but for God’s sake, Randy, give us a break. Get off my TV, my internet forums, the b-rate movies I secretly love, and the Adam Corolla show and get back into the one place you need a refresher tour of-the cage!

I have to be fair. Randy’s book is supposed to be better than all the other MMA bios out there, he gives back to the troops, and this is America where everyone who can use their name to make a fortune is encouraged to do so. But Americans also have ADD when it comes to winners-we love them as long as it’s convenient and then revel in joy as they tumble down the mountain we watched the new underdog climb up. Randy might not be there yet, but his train is rolling and “fizzle city” is the next stop.

Despite all this, he has an allure about him and I’ll admit that I want to see him get back in the cage, but not against the Russian Czar even though he continually repeats the mantra, “the fans want to see me fight Fedor.” Actually I don’t. I want to see you fight the one guy Fedor couldn’t finish in two tries. He’s the big Brazilian who’s taking home the belt you gave up every night and is the same guy who called you out after he won it. I think the fight between Nog and Couture is more appetizing than Fedor-Couture and if he could get past his spat with Dana White us fans would pay to see it. Even if I have landed myself on “Spaceballs the shit list.”

But I’m just sayin, so it’s okay, right?

Kelly Crigger is a freelance MMA writer and author of the book “Title Shot: Into the Shark Tank of Mixed Martial Arts” which you can purchase by clicking here. Contact him through his website at